Sem psicólogo, decidi escrever um pouco sobre meu pai para ver se consigo entender melhor minha atual condição com ele..
Father and I were close to each other when I was a kid. Mum would go to work while father took care of me at home for many years. He received rents at the time but eventually went back to his profession as a lawyer.
Father was a little violent with mum, sometimes. I will not say further but that saddened me a lot whenever happened. When I was a kid, I was always fearful fights may break again.. I reckon that may be one reason why I always had problems with authority.
Eventually, mum divorced father. I had an awful time back then, seeing their going each own's way. However, after some months it was clear it was better not having them fight or me feeling apprehensive about a fight at any moment.
After the divorce, I was doing fine. I could go visit father everyday. He lived in the next neighbourhood at the same city mum and I were still living, so that was good.
Then the orient bug got me and I started studying Chinese and Japanese like mad. It also made sense to study English at the time, but the Japanese language was always my preferred one.
I wanted to go abroad. There were some nice exchange student programmes by Rotary Club, we could not afford them. Long story short, I was able to meet with a man who took some Brazilian football players to a boarding school in Japan and the players became famous afterwards. So Mr X managed to send me under a scholarship to this boarding school in Japan. We only had to buy the round flight tickets. I was 16 years old when I went to Japan.
I came back to Brazil pretty much changed. Both father and mother can tell anyone to this day they did not like the way I returned. But I did! Maybe they cannot grasp fully all I learnt there.
I did not like the Brazilian way of life anymore. I think what I learnt most in Japan is to try and work together, as a group. Here in Brazil everyone is so selfish. Me too, I will get to that point later. I also miss the way Japanese people can take their time to execute careful work. Anything is careful work for a Japanese... Only in a developed culture and in a much higher level that doing something good for others will make the group or self strengthen. That is hardly a rule in Brazil.
I am note sure my return from Japan is when my father and I got distanced, but I remember we had some problems at that time and to reckon father did not like me. At the same time, I had some fights with his girlfriend.
I had some fights with and about his current wife until recently, too, which is an important point developed further in the text.
I always wanted to be different. Now I am super-duper different from everyone I know. I don't necessary mean here I am better, just so different in most important subjects. It took me a long time to recognise being different is not much fun. Differences may be useful in specific situations, however that is a no-no if you want to mix with everyone else and have a ``normal'' life.
Things everyone else is doing but I, or things that make my life harder because I don't or haven't got:
- Friends of same age (with similar problems?)
- Going to parties with friends
- Dating, kissing and having sex with many girls as a manly man does
- Or dating a girlfriend
- Or marriage! and a child (I am a little over 30!)..
- A job (specially a job which earns a lot of money and makes everyone in the family feel proud of you)
- Not using drugs the hard way (in my case, it was alcohol, now I am much recovered though sometimes I still drink)
- Believe in god or something like that
- More selfish, less rational, more tolerant
I may be exaggerating a bit, truth be told, I still would rather not apply to most of the items above, except for the ones having to do with friends of same age and a job. That would not be me if I let go of my rationality, but that might have helped with being more tolerant and thus having more friends, maybe..
There is the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. To be ugly amongst other humans means something very bizarre, such as a monster or an alien (figuratively or literally). I don't reckon I am bizarre. Maybe I am just bad, then.
Mum is still single and father is now married with a much younger woman and they have got a new child. I am kind of glad father is not alone as he is not that young anymore.. I truly wish his well-being and happiness, things I failed to provide along perhaps the last 10 years.
I was always very jealous of father, maybe because he spent so much time with me when I was a kid. Heck, I remember telling mum more than once I only liked father but her.. Cruel, but clearly not true as I was a river of tears, heart full of conflicting emotions...
Father was not able to enjoy his father very long when he was a kid, most unfortunately. His brothers always took care of him. Sometimes father seems to treat me like I were his brother (I think I am wrong at this point now, he surely must try to be a father). I was not brought up with a brother so that may be just my imagination as there is no way by reason I can be sure of that. But I don't know, sometimes father is so rough and he has even said I resembled a child as I was jealous of my half-brother some months ago. Now he seems to have got eyes only for the new kid..
I don't know but it seems like I can only talk to father about emergencies or small talk. Meaning, I don't feel like he would be a solace for small problems of mine. Definitely, he cannot comfort me about certain subjects. Maybe he should not be much of a solace, after all. Telling him of my afflictions may certainly make those his afflictions, too!
I get so confused by all this situation. If I take everything into account, cold reason tells me I have not got the right to even feel bad about how father treats me. Why? See how generous life has been with me to still have got my father and mother about, to have got a family from both sides... Isn't that mad? I reckon that is a little madness, alright.
I reckon I cannot complain..
PS: Take away tip is, don't be violent with your wife, you will avoid many problems. Have respect for yourself and your family, kids. Otherwise you may need ask forgiveness from your children sometime like a real, manly man.
Talking with an older friend, he said to me that actually father or anyone else need only respect me and they don't necessarily need to accept me or like my way of life, strictly speaking. We cannot be dictatorships!
Also, I reckon my father has improved over the years and now he is not going to do the same mistakes twice, so I should have forgiven him already and that is the best I can do now and from here on forever. I hope to improve and leave bad stuff behind and focus on my father good character traits, and focus on the good of other people in general, too, something that I have not done in over a decade...
This subject has put me under a lot of stress this past week but at least I was able to analise some of my problems and how to deal with them. Hopefully, I will be able to do better from now onwards. There are actually some bad habits I am trying to quit and will make me feel anew. I kept sobriety for most of this post but was not able to hold to it. Wish me luck!
I got a message from my father, which was very simple and hard and enough so I am able to understand things better in this deep psychological state of reflection.
Father did do some mistakes but he got better so I must forget his errors. Being a good father does not mean not making any mistakes!
What has made him distance from me, indeed, is more deeply in the roots and more simple. In the last 16-10 years or so , specially after I came back from Japan, I never cared doing things which would make my father happy about me. There has been many fights. I was not much there for my father during times which were hard for him, as the passing of his brother, my dear uncle.
My personal history got a little complicated at the time I entered university. I started abusing alcohol and so I have been numb about other people feelings, specially father.
So that is why he has been getting away from me or I getting away from him. Redemption is to start making things I know he would be proud or would like me to. I lost far too many years, I hope I can make up for that time. I am afraid today. Courage must win and hopefully we will be closer again soon.
There are some more fruits from this reflection. My friend who is an older man told me not to tell my father about this reflection because this will make him sad. Plus, if I do happen to drink, phone him up and say bad things again, he may not believe me anymore or in my resolve.
My friend also told me not to say things to father that will make me appear weak, which will make him sad. Instead, really, I must sustain a new type of relationship with him and my little brother and time will let me know if I am in the right path with dad. Some examples, choosing a nice gift for him and my brother. Sending some pictures of the places I am going, sending short texts... Obviously I must accept his younger wife and my new brother.
I wish I can phone up father everyday, but I need to be patient because that is not a simple habit to build, specially when we are facing such delicate situation right now and I must make an effort to change myself into a better person. If I can change and persist, 3 months will cure a lot of the feelings.
I am afraid I may not be able to accomplish these aims or
my other aims to make my body healthy again.
I was afraid of failing.
I need gather courage,
trying is better than not trying and that is what I have
got in my favour.
As one friend once told me,
keep on trying, someday it will work!
This post is rather incomplete. The last days since I started writing that, I got a lot of tips from various sources. It is about father and also about going back to ourselves.
Perhaps the most important one is to learning how to turn the page. We cannot just turn away from important people (or government or a private company) with whom we need to maintain a relationship. That is from a youtube video with lecture from a Brazilian ambassador.
We need know how to turn the page. A new lease of life.
Precisamos saber virar a página. Dar uma guinada na vida.